Category: Thoughts

Happenstance Guidance

If Google were to tell you what I search the most… it would be dictionary definitions and encyclopedia articles.

From a young age, I remember being drawn to words and meaning. I’m still obsessed with understanding, and it’s for the most part why I’m so drawn to what the internet has to offer. I enjoy my silent habit of going about my day and taking a word I see or hear and casually putting it under the microscope. The most satisfying words to me are the words that are most commonly used which we happen to be least conscious of using. For example, “wiktionary this” and “wiki that“.

I wonder… how many people can say they’ve looked up “this” in a dictionary? Or noticed that the wiki page for beards rivals most Wikipedia articles for depth of content? Only Google knows, I guess. I should probably write about all the benefits this simple habit brings me one day, but what I want to specifically lead into now is this: nothing has brought me closer to understanding myself in relation to the world than by-chance looking up the noun “medium“. That may be a dramatically embellished statement… but let me try to unpack it.

Like most cases when I look up seemingly random words in the dictionary; I’m first, struck at how flexible words can be in English, and second, amazed that I take satisfaction in looking up what feels like the obvious. This is, after all, a word I’ve used countless times throughout my spoken life. But this word got me seriously thinking… Of all the detailed definitions, the two that impressed upon me most were “The means, channel, or agency by which an aim is achieved.” and “A format for communicating or presenting information.

This is precisely what I’ve been attempting to figure out for the majority of my life; what my medium is. This is why we go to school, this is why we find a job, this is what makes us individuals with purpose and how others may find value in us. This is the interface between each one of us and the world; where individuality is born. But has anybody ever actually put it this way? Does everyone realize this early enough? Do we see each other by the means which we achieve our aims or the way we communicate information? I don’t think we do consciously, but I believe it certainly defines us unconsciously.

This makes me consider my portfolio, which happens to simply be a placeholder on the website at the moment, if anyone’s actually noticed. I have delayed posting anything until I’ve determined what sort of format I want it to be; the kind of content that I wanted to include and who it is that I want to tune it for. I have kept revisiting this hesitation with the questions, “who”, “what”, “when”, “where”, “why”, and “how?”… when I believe I should instead just be defining “the medium”. What could offer myself and those who view it more guidance? What will interface with the rest of the world in a way that displays content consciously while subconsciously hints towards that unique and identifiable “me”?

“That’s All Right”…

…I say to myself; in that moment of eternity when I realize I just did something I didn’t mean to do that can’t be undone.

And then I correct whatever irrationality rolls through my mind to sound something like, “I’ll simply do it again.

Persistence is a recipe:

  • One part breathing-in-and-out
  • One part accepting-what-just-happened
  • One part realizing-what-you-did-can-be-done-again, and
  • One part not-being-so-hard-on-yourself, because you know exactly what needs to be done to get past this point now

Beat that shit in a bowl until it feels good, and try not to delay the repeat performance. The longer the re-attempt is delayed, the more exposed you become to distraction and the easier it is for the thing you did to truly become a failure.

It’s not that you’ll do it better next time around, it’s that you’ll gain the experience of truly finishing the job.

If I’ve Learned Anything…

…it’s that I am alive when I am engaged.

I truly learn when I explore; when I ask honest questions. I find my passions this way, and it’s this performance which I believe best defines who I am.

I struggle with managing my array of interests and even more-so I’ve neglected the value of taking time to communicate my work.

So with my best intention to change that… here it comes.

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